I have been wanting to write this post for over a month and have kept shoving it to the back of my list of to-do’s. Mostly this has been out of a sort of fear. Not fear that of what people will say because quite frankly I don’t care what people say about me. Maybe fear isn’t the right word for it. A better word would probably be unease. I am not afraid people will think badly of me because as I said I’m not really that concerned with what people think of me, but more that people won’t “get it.” I’m not afraid of the condemning because I know where I stand with my Father. I have been more afraid of the consoling. Before I tell my story let me say this: after you read it please do not comment and tell me it’s “not that bad,” or that I didn’t really do anything wrong. Please, if you feel that way then keep it to yourself and ask God to search your heart. I am also not sitting in sack cloth and ashes over this. I have not condemned myself, I have forgiven and moved on. That all being said, I would like to share my abortion story with you:
My husband and I attended Lou Engle’s prayer conference “The Call” on 11-11-11. One of the major prayer focuses was praying for the end of abortion in the United States. I found myself on my face in prayer on the floor of Ford Field, completely unable to remove myself from the ground. I began weeping uncontrollably, the kind where your gut wrenches, your tears pool on the floor, you drool all over yourself and your chest heaves. I was overshadowed by the Holy Spirit. I cried out to Him, “Lord, what is going on?” He told me, “I am giving you a taste on My heart for the murder of my unborn children.” I asked Him why He was doing this. The pain was unbearable in my chest. I felt as though my heart was drying up and crumbling. He told me, “I am giving this to you because I know you will do something about it. I can trust you with this burden. There is NO OTHER ISSUE SARAHKATE!” He repeated that same phrase to me loudly several times, “There is no other issue SarahKate!” Then He asked me if I would say yes. Barely able to breathe I told Him yes. I stood up completely changed by this encounter. God, in a few moments had put a call on my life, a burden on my heart. I said yes and I meant it. During that same day God spoke loudly to both my husband and I separately that we would parent many children and not all of them would come from my womb. He made it very clear that abortion and adoption were intertwined issues. Abortion could not end if His children would not stand and take responsibility for the unwanted lives. Again we said yes.
Fast forward 2 month. My husband and I felt a strong call to leave the small and very family oriented church we had attended for several years and move to another church that did not have an atmosphere I would have ever chosen. I reluctantly followed my husband’s lead, believing I could just sit in a back row and continue to quietly raise my family. My husband was preparing to join the ministry staff at this church and to my surprise the day he was ordained I was given ordination papers as well in front of the whole church. No chance to say no thank you, no questions asked. I was not prepared for this place in ministry and actually spent a lot of time trying to find a way out.
Let me say this, when God places a call on your life, satan can also see that call. He will attack and come against a plan God has for you using lies, distractions, false doors… whatever he can to pull you from what God has called you to do. I believe that the ministry call at this church was one of those distractions. Yes, God did call us there but I believe it was only ever meant to be for a season and not as a call into ministry. We poured our very lives into something that was never meant to be forever.
One of the attacks that came at that time was against my hormones. I had birthed 3 children in 3 years and miscarried 1 just before I got pregnant with my first child. I had not dealt with a lot of generational stuff and deliverance issues I still had. I had struggled with depression following all three of my children’s births, but this turned to psychosis about 6 months after I delivered my third. My family and my marriage were being torn apart because I just didn’t seem to know how to get it under control. I had violent outbursts that I never remembered afterwards. There is a large period of time that I should have been institutionalized. I was dangerous to myself, my children, and my husband and I was too embarrassed and ashamed to seek help. I was afraid I would be seen as unlovable if people knew what happened in my house behind closed doors.
The church we were attending had several well-meaning people that advised us during that period of time. They had heard us share the vision God had given us for our life and during this period of time they began to tell us thingslike we shouldn’t even think of having more children, and we were crazy to think God had told us we were going to parent that many children. So in January 2013 with the support of my church family I had an IUD inserted. It is only by the grace of God that I broke down in tears in my doctors office (I had no idea why I was crying), and he refused to tie my tubes saying he did not think I was emotionally ready to take that step.
We poured ourselves into ministry. We sought a lot of deliverance and healing. We were doing amazingly well. I was “normal” again. I started saying how content I was and that we had our 3 children and I had no interest in ever being pregnant or having any more children ever again. I actually got to a point where I was uncomfortable being around babies and pregnant women made me turn and walk the other way. Then, as quickly as God had placed us into that church, in November of 2013 He pulled us out of it.
We took the long trip to Kansas City in the end of December 2013 to attend the OneThing conference run by the International House of Prayer. The Lord had been working on my heart to remove the IUD. In fact, He spent most of that trip speaking to me about it. When we returned home I shared with my husband what The Lord was working in my heart, afraid that his reaction would be to freak out but secretly hoping he would and would say no. Surely God would not have me dishonor my husband and remove it?!?! He told me God had been speaking the same thing to him. So, the first week of January I removed the IUD. I said yes again to God. I told Him I was willing to resubmit my body to him. I knew I was probably going to end up pregnant and I found myself excited by that thought.
January 18, 2014 I got pregnant. I was invited to hear a friend speak at her church a few weeks later. She spoke against abortion and challenged the church to step up and get involved. She spoke about the history of abortion in the US as well as contraceptive use. She spoke about contraception being equal to abortion and that the church had to stop believing the lies we are fed that this is ok. The Lord began stirring in my heart. He said to me, “for almost a year you have been aborting your own babies. Do you see how you could not continue in your ministry of fighting abortion while performing abortions in your own body? You aborted the mission I gave you. Do you want it back?” With tears streaming down my face I told him yes again. One simple word.
I am not going to say that any of this has been completely easy. Satan speaks many lies. I have committed myself to carrying as many children as The Lord chooses for me to have. This pregnancy has certainly been different. Post deliverance I am no longer a paranoid psychotic freak. I am pretty stable (for a first trimester pregnant woman). My relationship with my husband has never been better. But I would be lying if I told you I’m not at least a little afraid. The questions arise, “How are we going to take care of this baby?”, “What if I lose it again after this baby is born?”, I’m a little afraid of juggling life raising 4 children, “how do you do preschool with a 3, 4, and 5 year old while nursing and caring for a newborn?” God has answers for all these fears and I continue to lay these questions and fears at His feet. He called me to this life, and He is my provider. He will make a way and He will provide the answers… one day at a time.
I may only be one voice, but I believe with all my heart that one voice whispering with the backing of Almighty God speaks louder than a hundred screaming in their own power. God used Esther, one woman, to save the entire nation of Israel. I believe one voice can be very powerful when completely yielded to the Holy Spirit.
Ladies, if you are using contraception I want to speak to you for a moment. Let me explain how birth control works. It does not inhibit and egg from becoming fertilized, but rather creates an inhospitable environment for the fertilized egg to live. It either kills the fertilized egg or hardens the uterine wall so an egg cannot implant. Life begins the moment the sperm penetrates the egg. Cells begin to rapidly divide to form a blastocyst (or baby as I prefer to call it), that makes it’s way down the Fallopian tube where it will implant into the side of the uterus. If you do not believe life begins the very moment the egg and sperm meet I would challenge you to ask The Lord to speak to you about this issue and seriously listen for His voice. God has given us an incredible form of birth control in His word. The fruits of the Spirit are recorded in Galatians 5:22-23. One of these fruits is self control. Learn your cycles and abstain on your fertile days if you are trying not to get pregnant. Use barrier methods, but not contraception. It’s not the easiest way, but when used correctly and diligently, ovulation charting, basal temperature recording, and abstinence during fertile days is nearly as effective as any birth control. And let me say this, God’s plan for your family is greater than any plan you could come up with on your own. I no longer consider my children a burden or inconvenience, but see them as mighty weapons in the hand of God. If we chose to raise our children with the understanding that they will carry the torch we pass them I promise you, we will begin to be more intentional in our parenting. If 1 can put 1,000 to flight and 2, 10,000 (Deuteronomy 32:30) how much more a family banded together?